i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
