Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
