i think my mom watched the whole time
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
