I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize