Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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