he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
