If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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