True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
