I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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