I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
now i know why i became what i already was.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize
