my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
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