I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
