My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
