When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
