this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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