Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
