I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
My vagina just clenched in fear
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
