all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Randomize
