God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Randomize
