So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Hippo gnu deer
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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