And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
my phone needs a breathalizer
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
