I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
