well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
