You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
