This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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