You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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