while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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