i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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