My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
