I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
