This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
