he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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