Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
