Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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