Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
