I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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