So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
