My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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