i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
