My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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