If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
People in love make me want to vomit
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
