Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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