Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Randomize
