I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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