How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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