I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
