That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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