My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
