Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
what day is it and did you see me today?
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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