Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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