Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
