He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
