When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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