he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
