I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize