You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
