You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize