Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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