I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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