So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
