miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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