there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
