come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
