So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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