Jerry, you need to find god
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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