My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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