I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
