Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
